Prescott: Hi, I'm Joe Prescott, and thanks for joining us on Casanova Showdown. Tonight, we're going to see the long-awaited showdown between two of television's most famous Casanovas: Captain James Kirk and Colonel John Sheppard! Let's give them a big hand as they come out!

Audience: *Is 100% female, and claps, cheers and is generally audience-y*

Sheppard: *waves at audience* Thanks, Joe. Thanks, guys. Nice to be here.

Kirk: *smiles at audience* Hello everybody.

Prescott: Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome. OK! For those joining us for the first time, here's the deal. We ask ten questions that each of our Casanovas must answer. The studio audience votes for the answer they like the best, and at the end of the night, the Casanova with the most votes wins! Remember: most of the questions will have nothing to do with the typical "Casanova" image - they're pretty much a way to see who is the best all-round character, including who has the best subordinates. So, gentlemen, what do you say we get right down to business?

Audience: *Claps and cheers approvingly*

Kirk: *smirks at Sheppard* Sounds good.

Sheppard: *stares at Kirk coolly* Works for me.

Prescott: OK! The first question: How often do you lose your shirt? Captain Kirk, let's start with you.

Kirk: Like every good Casanova, I give the ladies plenty of eye-candy by losing my shirt at least once every episode. If I can manage more, then the better for everyone!

Sheppard: *thinks* Really, the only time I can think of was when I had a bug on my neck. My team had to tear my shirt open to use a defibrilator on me.

Kirk: Oh, you had a Klingon? *smirk*

Audience: *Some cheer, most groan*

Sheppard: *glares* It wasn't funny when Carson said it, it's definitely not funny when you say it.

Prescott: Gentlemen, let's keep it civil. OK, Audience. Get voting!

Audience: *Votes* Kirk: 34%. Sheppard: 66%

Kirk: *is stunned*

Prescott: Well, what do you know? Apparantly, tonight's audience doesn't like show-offs! OK! Next question! Who has the coolest transport?

Kirk: I've been the Captain of two Starships - the USS Enterprise NCC-1701 and the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-A.

Sheppard: I fly Puddle Jumpers on a regular basis, and I can also fly the City of Atlantis.

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 89%. Kirk: 11%

Prescott: Oooh! Only two questions in, and already Captain Kirk is struggling! Third question! What's your most heavy-duty weaponry?

Kirk: Photon torpedoes.

Sheppard: *smirks* Psychically controlled drones.

Audience: *Goes ballistic, settles down & votes* Sheppard: 70%. Kirk: 30%

Prescott: Wowee! Colonel Sheppard, you're on fire tonight! And the next question: Who is your main science expert?

Kirk: *smugly* Commander Spock.

Sheppard: Don't look to thrilled about that, Jimmy. Mine is Dr Rodney McKay, and he's better than Spock and Scotty combined!

Kirk: *gets ready to tear shirt off*

Prescott: Captain Kirk, please! Restrain yourself! Audience: time to vote!

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 50%. Kirk: 50%

Prescott: Seems the audience is split down the middle on that one! We may need to do an episode of Spock vs Rodney! Next question! Which, of all your subordinates, is most skilled in hand-to-hand combat?

Kirk: That would be ... Hikaru Sulu.

Sheppard: *is thinking hard*

Prescott: Colonel?

Sheppard: I'm gonna have to go with Teyla on that one. I don't think she's ever been defeated by Ronon. Yes. Definitely Teyla Emmagan.

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 43%. Kirk: 57%

Prescott: All righty, then! Captain Kirk came out ahead on that one! So let's move on to our sixth question! Who has the better weapons expert?

Kirk: I've got Pavel Chekov.

Sheppard: *small smirk* Ronon Dex.

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 62%. Kirk: 38%

Prescott: Relative newcomer Ronon Dex proves to be more popular with the ladies than the firmly entrenched Pavel Chekov! Must be the muscles! *Grins* Seventh question: After your retirement or demise, who, in canon, has the better looking successor?

Kirk: *slight grimace* Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

Sheppard: I got Major Evan Lorne. *full-out smirk*

Audience: *goes nuts*

Prescott: Apparantly tonight's audience is full of Atlantis fans! Sounds like this Major Lorne should be on our show sometime too! Audience, the power is in your hands! Vote away!

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 100%. Kirk: 0%

Prescott: Burn! *clears throat* Ahem. Sorry about that! Eighth question: Who has the more dynamic Communications Tech?

Kirk:I have Commander Nyota Uhura

Sheppard: I have ... uh ... Chuck? I have no idea of his salutation ... or surname.

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 5%. Kirk: 95%

Prescott: It appears that while there are some Chuck fans here tonight, Uhura is more popular by a long shot! OK! For our ninth question: Who has the best plan for an emergency?

Kirk: That's easy. I jump the bad guy, we wrestle around on the ground for a bit, I lose my shirt, one or both of us passes out, and eventually I come out the victor and another planet is saved.

Sheppard: I delegate to Rodney, who can solve any problem you present him with, given enough incentive. So while he's fixing the problem, I romance the alien babe.

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 81%. Kirk: 19%

Prescott: Sheppard furthers his lead in a big way by displaying true Casanova style! All right! For our final question tonight: Who has the better ... hair! *Laughs* No, the real question is: Who has the most beloved Chief Medical Officer?

Kirk: My hair can withstand the test of time! And my CMO is Dr Leonard McCoy, AKA "Bones".

Sheppard: *coughtoupeecough* My hair is gravity-defying! *smiles smugly* And we've had both Dr Carson Beckett and Dr Jennifer Keller.

Prescott: ... You weren't supposed to answer the hair part, gentlemen, but all in good fun! Now, audience, for the final time tonight - and remember, it's the CMO answer we want voted on! - place your votes!

Audience: *Votes* Sheppard: 40%. Kirk: 60%

Prescott: And Dr McCoy is clearly still living large in the hearts of the fans! OK! Tallying up tonight's scores, we see Captain James Kirk sitting on 36.4% while Colonel John Sheppard is clearly victorious with 62.6%!!! Well done, Colonel!! Your prize: holiday to the place of your choice, with the alien babe of your choice - ANY series!! And once again: thanks for joining us on Casanova Showdown!!!!

*Fades to black with Kirk standing gobsmacked and Sheppard hugging and kissing the audience*